You know the glowing box in your living room that broadcasts warm rays of 30 Rock into your life? Well, it’s evil. Okay, so it’s not really evil, but surely we can agree that all television programming has been tainted with the flatulence of Beelzebub. No? Then you have never seen the Real Housewives on Bravo. Just pick a city. Any city.
But all that mess isn’t the point of this post. It simply spilt out the ol’ noggin.
What you should note is that watching television in the age of the internets is an anomaly. Once upon a time, you could call Screech a dork or Brenda Walsh a bitty, and nobody cared, because nobody heard you say it. But people tweet such things now. And sooner or later it will come back and bite them, like it did me a few weeks ago. I shall explain.
I’m a big fan of the Travel Channel show Man v. Food. Don’t worry if you’ve never seen it, I’ll give you the brief synopsis. Adam Richman, a thirty-something, medium-build, male caucasian is the host of the half-hour program. Adam travels the country taking on eating-related challenges. Any given show matches up Adam’s digestive system against the spiciest foods or the biggest portions or both.
The first M v. F episode I ever saw was filmed in my hometown of Amarillo, where Adam visited three different restaurants. He took on the Hell Burger at Coyote Bluff (hell is evidently filled with cayenne and habaneros), the chicken-fried steak at the Stockyards Cafe, and the FREE 72 oz. steak at The Big Texan.
Let us focus but a moment on that last challenge. The Big Texan—a touristy steakhouse and motel found directly off I-40—is notorious for it’s FREE 72 oz. steak. Lots of asterisks surround that word FREE, though. By FREE they mean you have to eat the steak within an hour. And this monstrous slab o’ meat isn’t the only thing you have to put down during that timeframe. You also have a dinner roll, a salad, AND a baked potato to swallow. Once it’s all down, you then drop to your knees and pray the sins you’ve just committed doesn’t blow Uranus and your big-Ol’ Saturn ring to smithereens.
Back to Adam. Out of the 48,000 people who have attempted the challenge, only 8,000 have walked away with a FREE meal. My homeboy, Adam, conquered this challenge in under 30 minutes. Granted the record holder did it in 8 minutes and 52 seconds. So I’m not saying he’s insane. But why, WHY would somebody subject their bodies to such punishment? No doctor is going to recommend you take on this challenge. And eating this much food doesn’t prove anything to anyone, except that you might have an issue with food porn.
But I still love the show, and Adam is fun to watch. He’s fantastic as both host and eater. But still. That is a LOT of meat. (And that, is what she said.)
Anyway, after watching this particular episode of Man v. Food, I updated twitter with this:
Funny? Well, sort of. Not my best work. But regardless, about a week later this pops up on my Twitter feed:
Well slap my bottom and call me Goober, I would’ve never thought I’d get a response back from the real-life Adam. Geez. I do have to say though, I felt some level of pride that I had grabbed the attention of a lesser-known, television personality. It gave me hope that possibly one day it could be Bobby Flay or maybe James Van der Beek who randomly searches Twitter for their name and comes across one of my posts—at which point they are either offended or unhinged and promptly give me their stern rebuttal. These are the things my internet fairy tales are made of.
There is a lesson to be learned from all this though, kiddos. Stay in school, say no to drugs and be sure to tweet hard. And if celebrities are involved, I say tweet harder. Just watch out for their @ replies. They’ll get you every time.
The Man v. Food Big Texan clip, for those who are interested: